Language Twister Gifts

'Obviously, I know a lot of weasel words, so I would be great in a business development role...'

'I fixed the problem you were having with your word processing software. The spell check was set on pig latin.'

'If we are to reorientate our forward facing rhetorical platform we must rephrase our message to cross fertilise the core message..holistically!'

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

"Ahhh....I think that was a flying fuck."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Still suffering from writer's block?"

"I don't have the lip for saxaphone."

"Great news, I've booked you two stag nights, a hen party and fourteen solemn thanksgiving services for members of the theatrical profession"

Wordplay: Nonstarter.

"I'm not spinning - I'm contextualizing."

"Okay! Okay! It's a draw!"

"I want to learn how to talk the talk."

Curtsey

"Dear Diary: Today I picked a peck of pickled peppers."

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

Hanukkah tree

"No bouquet toss for this bride. She's shooting it out of a cannon."

"You may now kiss the... Oh, I see you have already done that!"

"Tongue twisters! These are hard to say! A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk."

"We can't put you in a Witness-Protection Program unless you actually witnessed something."

"Like my old man used to say: 'No news is bad news not yet undelivered.'"

Jack and the Beanstalk.

'I still have time for both work and family - thanks to cloning.'

'I can say 'no' in five different languages: English, Spanish, German, Russian and Karate.'

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

"I'm new and very flexible. If you're a boss, it's my pleasure to meet you, Madame. If you're an ordinary colleague, get out of my way you ugly old bat!"

Adjusted sales pitch: 'Congratulations! You may already be a non-winner.'

"I have a movie plot idea... A girl is kidnapped at birth. She's threatened, oppressed, and lives in constant fear. Here's the twist - the kidnapper is only in her mind."

"No, wait. What if the cop character is the murderer, and the mobster guy is completely innocent?"

Ventriloquist's fete

"Well, I was under oath, so I couldn't lie outright, but I'm a weasel of course, so I have a way with words..."

Polo pony