Lactose-free Life Pillows

Mouse, caught in trap after attempting to get cheese, says: 'That's it ??" I'm quitting dairy.'

'Can't stand diary products myself, but a job's a job.'

'Snap, crackle, help! I'm lactose intolerant!'

The Nihilist Deli.

"I'm pretty lucky. I have a wife that tolerates both my lactose and bad habits."

Investments: Yes, we have organic, local & cruelty-free stocks.

'I've never heard of a lactose intolerant cow!'

"I was the first one to work completely gluten free."

"It might taste a little different. It's gluten-free slop."

"So, it's Gluten free, lactose free and meat free. How does it taste?"

'Why didn't you say you were Lactose intolerant in the first place?'

"Actually, lactose is the only thing Herb isn't intolerant of."

"Y' know, a GOOD host would provide a lactose-free option!"

"Well, my wife is lactose-maltose-dextrose-sucrose-cellulose intolerant, which means I can't even hand her an empty box of candy."

"One gluten-free, lactose-free, low carb pizza."

"It looks like there is too much dairy in your diet."

"She's diversifying her portfolio."

"This was supposed to be 'Gluten-Free Comedy Night.' Which means no wheat jokes."

New Milks

"That doesn't make any sense - The Milky Way shouldn't affect your lactose-intolerance."

"And I told them not to use lactose for the last supper..."

'I'm lactose intolerant, gluten intolerant, vegan and allergic to tomatoes...what have you got that's good?'

"The gluten is free. The pizza, however, cost $12.95."

'It's the Night Before Christmas, and I drank lots of eggnog, and all through the house I've been puking.'

"Don't look left or right!"

Cheese maker

"The state of the world has pushed Henry wayyyy beyond his fear of gluten."

'Soy milk, soy burgers...who ever thought we could be replaced by a bean.'

'Milk, butter, cheese, ice cream...you have too much lactose tolerance.'

'I used to have milk in my tea. . .but then one day I had black tea and somebody tole me that 'once you've had black, you never go back.' I don't know why you never go back, but it turned out I'm lactose intolerant, so it's a moot point now. I guess.'

"I can only protest capitalism until noon. My mom said Whole Foods was out of GF bread and vegan cheese so she didn't pack my lunch."

"This increase in lactose-intolerant people is good for us: We can sell more milk..."

"With religion and politics off the table, the only thing left to argue about is gluten."

'You fight the Gluten Hordes, make your way through the Peanut Fields, battle the Lactose King...'

"Er, um, no thanks. We're both lactose intolerant."