Labour Story Collector Pillows

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Thank you to those who never came home and to those who never left their side.

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

'Distracting the fish.'

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"Thank you for making my decision to fire you, that much easier."

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'

'I don't remember ever having a good memory.'

"I've been an accountant, an actuary, an advertising exec, an administrator, an architect, an art director, and an auditor, and now I'd like to move on to the B's."

Who's Dead

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

'I've been knocking for ages!'

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

'Back in '83 I painted my entire den white with those little bottles of correction fluid. That was the golden age of office supply pilfering.'

"We met through a contact tracing app."

"Back in my day there weren't any delivery trucks, distribution centers and fancy computers! We just hopped door-to-door until our feet bled!"

"I know about the tooth fairy, but I feel a bit young to be selling off my body parts!"

"Grandpa! You have to let me put those under my pillow!"

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

Tourists

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

"Policing's not what it was..."

'We're going to have to pass on the painting - but we'll take a case of this wine!'

"The dish and the spoon? Huh. I did not see that coming."

I've heard that you've beaten the Hare, so I've come to challenge you...

"She was this tall with curly blonde hair Officer: She ate our porridge and broke our furniture..."

Prompts on the Antiques Roadshow.

Homeless man's sign: 'Will sell book & movie rights to the story of my downfall for a cool million.'

"We met online."

Football Manager's Parrot

'This is for a different book.'

'This one belonged to a little old lady with weak eyes.'