Kitchen Performer T-Shirts

Spatula Conductor

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

'Like death by salad.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

Wok. Don't Wok.

"....Oh, and the dog's eaten all the fridge magnets."

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

"I call it 'rage loaf'."

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

Why did Ernie take that off his wrist and put it here when he had to leave the kitchen? For safety reasons. A watched pot never boils. Ernie says you are what you eat. It's true in his case. Ernie is just like his food. He is sweet, and has some but not too much spice. Plus there's nothing artificial about him. Also like his food, Ernie is an acquired taste. And to me they have both become irresistibly delicious!

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Chef uses Harp to cut Sausages

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Does this thing get channel four.'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

Boy with bat using toaster to launch bread for him to practise hitting

The Complete Spaghetti Dinner.

"So why do you need a ladder to make pancakes?"

'It's all homemade.'

"Looks like it's time to make the banana bread."

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'