Kitchen Maintenance Pillows

"The problem is that your trap is one big macaroni."

"This controls the speed, this opens the door and if you press the red button a maintenance man appears and gives you a very large bill"

"Did you call someone to come test for margarine residue in the refrigerator?"

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

Counting ribs

'Harold, when was the last time you cleaned the pool?!'

A slice of bread walks a tightrope between slots on the toaster.

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

'Don't look at me. I'm not the one who puts the measuring cups where I can't reach them.'

Yardless: Please help

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

Man using to much bug spray

"In the whole length and breadth of this world there is no more admirable a spot for a man and his dog to pass the time than the local Home Depot."

"....Oh, and the dog's eaten all the fridge magnets."

"'TSP' stands for 'teaspoon' not 'two solid pounds'!"

Too much cilantro

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

"Incredible! Once again, you've made the perfect piece of toast."

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

Salt and Pepper

'Let's see what else will explode in the microwave!'

'I just finished the floors, so they better stay clean!'

'I don't understand: I lick the plates clean, but Mistress still puts them in the dishwasher afterwards...'

"The trees are laughing at us."

The Perfect Foil

“Our numbers grow greater and greater. Soon the era of the spices will be at hand”

Ernie likes to fix things around the house. Just today he's fixed two sandwiches, three sundaes, and some microwave brownies.

Man opens refrigerator which promptly burps.

Flour, sugar, earth, air, fire, water.

The household cavalry

Cookery Lesson.

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."