Kitchen Ironist Gifts

'Mom's a lousy cook.'

Come dine with me!

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

A slice of bread walks a tightrope between slots on the toaster.

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Hungry child

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

Wok. Don't Wok.

'A little piece of advice, Verl. . . cut your sandwich loaf on a diagonal . . . that way people will think they're gettin' more.'

'You realize we're only having three people over...'

'I hope you like this, dear. I got the recipe from Gordon Ramses, latest cookery hieroglyphics.'

Benihana style of cooking.

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

'It's just some Pour 'n' Serve, Stir 'n' Blend, Bake 'n' Slice, Mix 'n' Broil and Chop 'n' Simmer.'

The Origins of Everything

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

'I was in the catering corps.'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

You're the sizzle in my roast!

Flour, sugar, earth, air, fire, water.

"Voila!...smooth pastry." (Lady teaching chef to iron dough).

Surprise in the salad bowl

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

Hot pot

I'd like to talk about absenteeism.

'Okay, kids...time for your bath.'

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

Amy Sedaris

"Who shaves the fennel in your family?"

"I just don't want to be 'that' waffle."

Avocado Timeline

The secret lives of household things.