Creative Ironist Gifts

Artist Misses the Point

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Lactose Intolerant

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

"My career's in shreds, but on the bright side, so are my files."

How to win friends and Influenza People.

Armed forces waiting with nothing to do.

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

Gary misread the new policy on 'Free Thinking' in the work place.

Man commiting suicide finds the treasure at the bottom of the sea.

Backlash industries: makers of the macro-chip, bigger, slower..and it even makes mistakes

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

''Science moves but slowly, slowly, creeping on from point to point'. Tennyson.'

'Of course I hired Andrew. He's the best divorce lawyer around! Unfortunately, he's also the rat I want to get divorced from...'

I'm tired of your games, Al. MY games? look who's talking! The guy with the role-playing hand puppets!

"Its my letter of resignation. I also turned it into a memoir."

"I'll bet you can't name three of their songs."

Profits - "On the positive side, our company has never been touched by any scandal connected with insider trading."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

'Center for the Study of Murphy's Law' (Closed today because everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.)

'I believe we got your blood pressure back up to normal.'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

'Our goal is for you to successfully transition to your new job before retirement age.'

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

'Sure, but think what a crook I'd be without hypocrisy!'

'Look at the bright side -- having a business fail when you're thirty is great preparation for your Midlife Crisis.'

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'