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Hell's kitchen /Beans only.

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

JERRY SPRINGER'S GUESTS TODAY

"You have brought sunshine to my life and now I must say good-bye."

Russian eggs.

"Let's hope they're friendly."

'Sorry...I forgot to mention i'm Dishlexic.'

Grim Reaper

"After you ran away with the spoon, I moved on. I'm not going to Hey Diddle Diddle my life for you any more."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

'Like death by salad.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"....Oh, and the dog's eaten all the fridge magnets."

"I call it 'rage loaf'."

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Chef uses Harp to cut Sausages

'Does this thing get channel four.'

The Complete Spaghetti Dinner.

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

"So why do you need a ladder to make pancakes?"