Kitchen Comedy Fan Pillows

Hell's kitchen /Beans only.

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

JERRY SPRINGER'S GUESTS TODAY

"You have brought sunshine to my life and now I must say good-bye."

Russian eggs.

"Let's hope they're friendly."

"Everyone's complaining about the food, the orders are all mixed up...what's going on back here, anyway?"

'Relax. We're taking you somewhere nice and toasty!'

'Sorry...I forgot to mention i'm Dishlexic.'

Grim Reaper

"Your food should be out shortly - just waiting for the exterminators to finish mopping up."

"After you ran away with the spoon, I moved on. I'm not going to Hey Diddle Diddle my life for you any more."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

'Like death by salad.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"....Oh, and the dog's eaten all the fridge magnets."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"I call it 'rage loaf'."

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

Why did Ernie take that off his wrist and put it here when he had to leave the kitchen? For safety reasons. A watched pot never boils. Ernie says you are what you eat. It's true in his case. Ernie is just like his food. He is sweet, and has some but not too much spice. Plus there's nothing artificial about him. Also like his food, Ernie is an acquired taste. And to me they have both become irresistibly delicious!

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'