Kitchen Comedy Connoisseur Gifts

Egg beater.

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

Counting ribs

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

New and improved! BunkerBuster! Get out of the sand trap every single time - or your money back!!

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Tony, you always try to lead.'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'He likes to power nap.'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

'Still not ready to talk? Ok dip him again.'

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

Mrs. Claus has a ladies night out.

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

'Like death by salad.'

Night of the Latkes

Farm Humor.

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

"....Oh, and the dog's eaten all the fridge magnets."

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

The Trojan Beagle.

Happy Hour

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

Girl who can't cook meets guys who can't fix stuff.

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the heck else are you talking... you talking to me?"

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

The Snarky District