Kitchen Comedies Fan Gifts

'As you see, the wine breaks down the veal and the vegetables almost immediately--as for your lens cover, I can't really say.'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

'Like death by salad.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"....Oh, and the dog's eaten all the fridge magnets."

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

"I call it 'rage loaf'."

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

Why did Ernie take that off his wrist and put it here when he had to leave the kitchen? For safety reasons. A watched pot never boils. Ernie says you are what you eat. It's true in his case. Ernie is just like his food. He is sweet, and has some but not too much spice. Plus there's nothing artificial about him. Also like his food, Ernie is an acquired taste. And to me they have both become irresistibly delicious!

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Chef uses Harp to cut Sausages

'Does this thing get channel four.'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

The Complete Spaghetti Dinner.

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

Chef copy robot

"Looks like it's time to make the banana bread."

'It's all homemade.'

"So why do you need a ladder to make pancakes?"

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'