Kingdom Comedy Fans Gifts

'I checked the statistics, Sire, and the deficit has doubled since you got married.'

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

'Of all the nerve!...Making us sit through the whole of their Bayeux Tapestries!!'

"That'll be five bucks."

'Don't look at me like that! You're the one who wanted to live in a bouncy castle!'

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

'No. The television screen hasn't gone red - You've got tomato ketchup all over your glasses!'

'You've made a powerful enemy'

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

"Friends have been scribbling on my cast."

"He says he's sure this isn't Wildwood. Did you put batteries in the GPS?"

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

Standard & Poor

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

Yakety-Yak

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

The first case of resume padding.

"Don't go in there!!"

Frank & Ernest. Signe Painted. Cosmetology Dept. That should be "cosmology"! Why do you always get those two confused? I always think the one about space should have an "et" in it.

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

"Beer? I see you taught Roscoe to fetch?"

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.

'According to this, you ate all the pies.'

'An this good luck charm is to commemorate when our turtle ran away. He's the one who took Jim's pinkie.'

'Let's face it George: we're not spring chickens anymore...'

'More toys! The way you kids spend, you must think bananas grow on trees.'