Kid Pleaser Pillows

"Can you reinvent the classic grilled cheese for me?"

Haircuts

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

Serious Putty

'Hey Mister Petrie, what's the world's record for tennis balls in a retriever's mouth?'

"That's an everblue."

'Here comes the Papa-razzi again...'

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

'But, Mom, being good just doesn't work for me.'

'I try and humour him...it's the only exercise he gets!'

'I hear you can tell how big they will get by the size of their feet.'

"Do that again, but cuter."

'My mother's resolution is to eat more vegetables, and my resolution is to help her by giving her mine.'

And the crowd goes wild—except for Mary, because she wasn't paying attention.

'It's a pretty lame disappearing act Darling: I think we'd better hire a real Magician for Timmy's birthday party...'

'I was cleaning my catapult and it went off.'

Fairy God Mothers Anonymous - "I've just been too much of a people pleaser."

'The ‘class clown' thing is my fault. I totally misjudged the crowd.'

'Do you have bottled spring water?'

'Right now my plate's full juggling school and parents.'

'Guess what? I fixed your jack-in-the-box.'

"Math would have been a 'A' if you factor in the fudge factor. I got caught fudging on the final."

'Please stop...it reminds me too much of the markets.'

'Why are they all staring at me?'

'So you're a billionaire... Now what?' 'Have you learned to clean your room yet?'

"Can we be seated under a vegan painting?"

'You've got to give it to Jim, there's nothing he won't do for his customers.'

Face Painting.

'Do you want to play doctor?' 'I can't, you're not insured.'

"If my dad asks where we met just say 'on holiday'."

'I think they're offering peace feelers.'

'He used to be happy just gradually appearing out of a basket.'

"He said the washing machine makes him dizzy."

'No, I can't be the horse, YOU have to be the horse!'

The nice thing about dogs is they're always satisfied with a pat answer.