Kid Chaos Enthusiast Gifts

'You don't mind distractions as much as me, so I didn't think you'd mind if my kids played in your office today.'

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"There's something about ripping the stuffing out of a toy that turns me into a wild dog. I'm afraid I actually like that feeling."

'and on the Kids' Menu, we have Cranky Pants French Toast...'

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

"But if I don't break stuff who will?"

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

'Mom! -- Jeffrey's having a wardrobe malfunction!'

'No, that wasn't your mother calling to ask if you were okay. That was your mother calling to ask if I was okay.'

'We're playing trampoline, mom.'

"He won't eat anything but corn."

"She was right -- Her teddy bear did squish your action figure!"

'They made it like that so the kids wouldn't bother you.'

"The children took off their own coats this morning, Pastor."

'Actually, they're pretty nice, once they settle down.'

A child and his dog

'Just wait until I'm introduced to carbonated beverages!'

"Listen up and listen up good, 'cause I'm only going to say this a million times."

"Can't you just relax and enjoy my childhood."

'Twiiiiiiiiins!!!!'

"Oh, no, no, no, no! Please, NOOO!"

'Let's just keep quiet about this, and maybe some terrorist group will claim credit.'

"Well? Have I hit it yet?"

"I think our bundle of joy needs his mommy, dear!"

Feeding the baby

A recurring crisis at the Farkinski farm

"Well, could you give me a ballpark number?"

'Why good dogs go bad.'

Tony's dog always brought him to his slippers.

I've fallen and I refuse to get up! Medical Alert System for Toddlers.

'I couldn't put it down... I had peanut butter on my hands.'

Surprise

101 Poops - Dalmatian dog walker is in for a torrid time.

'This can't be good.'

"Okay, the first rule of rolling in s***e club is no one talks about rolling in s***e club."