Jovial Psychologist Pillows

"Tell me more about these abandonment issues."

'Whe they said 'God is my Judge', I didn't realize He was a real attorney.'

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

"I'll get my 10,000 steps in tonight!"

Farmer chasing alien leaving crop circles.

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

Celebration in operating theatre.

"What the... an apple?! Hey, I can make schnapps out of it and if you've had plenty of it, gravity pulls you to the ground!"

'How do we know YOU'RE not bearing false witness?'

Leonard L. Lipchitz: Sending the Law since 1972

"Attention, everyone! Here comes Poppa, and we're going to drive dull care away! It's quips and cranks and wanton wiles, nods and becks and wreathed smiles."

"It's important to learn numbers. Then you can have a pin number and get money from ATMs."

"So, is it like a foursome then, miss?"

'My opinion, right or wrong!'

'I'm so relieved Doc: It would have been a tragedy if he had had a peanut allergy...'

Artist angry at jogger running through his painting.

Off the wall legal advisor.

Mooning Moon

"At our age I figure we only have two taste buds left. One for vodka and one for wine."

'You don't need to worry about your records being sold to the highest bidder...they'll bugger it and sell them off cheap!'

'You called for tech support?'

"I was very good...delicious in fact."

'Dear Customer - Due to economic cutbacks, this year we have produced a 'Round Robin' Christmas Card...'

You're awfully cheerful for someone who's about to lose a murder case. You must have me confused with my client.

To an observer approaching the speed of light, Einstein and his surroundings appear to be tall and thin.

'And this one's for humor in the line of duty.'

"Doctor! This is not the time for the 'pull my finger' gag!"

Technically Speaking

"Oh, yeah! Well, your mother doesn't know a molecule from barnacle."

'Good news. Even though you've been spending way beyond your means, the IMF is giving you a bailout. It seems you're too big to fail.'

'I grew up in the drug culture but now I get the same effect by standing up too fast.'

'I can't explain it, but somehow, when I walk past here, I feel strangely insecure.'

"Age, nothing - I'd be satisfied to play my weight"

'When I said address the ball I didn't mean like that!'