Joking Optician Pillows

'The problem isn't your high definition television, it's your low definition eyes.'

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"How's everything here? Let's start with your earliest childhood memories."

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

'Dr. Federson has performed this procedure so many times, he could do it blindfolded with one hand tied behind his back. Show him, doctor.'

There aren't any serious side effects — just an occasional Elvis sighting.

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

Cyclopetrist's Waiting room

'Be fair, George - how do you expect me to find your contact lens in this lot?'

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

Executioner forgetting his glasses.

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'Hey, what do you want from me? As a primary care physician, ALL I DO is prescribe drugs and refer you to specialists.'

IV Bags: Main and Afters

A Pirate at the Opticians.

'It quickly became apparent that Optometry was not the right career choice for Errol'. 'Is that the right one? I can't tell!'

'Nurse, has the staff been eating in pre-op again? There's mayonnaise on the scalpel.'

"A specialist is a doctor with a smaller practice and a bigger home."

Magnifying glass on Oculist's sign.

'I am afraid Mr Cyclops, they only come in pairs.'

"We're not talking this guy anywhere until we change his underwear!"

Sorry, you rolled off the table just as I was going in!

"NURSE! Are you taking the piss?"

"And there's a surcharge if you insist on annoying the doctor with any self-diagnosis you found on google."

"You see spots in front of you? Have you cleaned your glasses lately?"

'Ugh, a contact lens. I wish he'd had corrective surgery because I hate artificial ingredients.'

Ned Buntz, U.S. Marshall and Frontier Optometrist

'So do you mate, I'm selling ice creams.'

"So how to you know I'm an optician?"

'When you said this was an eye examination for Macular Degeneration, I didn't think you meant an actual exam!'

Spider glasses.

'That's the worst case of eye strain I have ever seen'

Eye Test with Myopic Optician

'Do you know what speed you were doing Sir? Could I see your tax and insurance, and is all this stuff in the back yours?'