Joking Enthusiasts Pillows

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

"Why do they do that?"

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

'It's a difficult job, he needed a bigger than average 'stress ball'.'

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

'What did one flea ask the other?' 'Shall we walk or take the dog?'

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

What's normal?

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

'He's the one who needs obedience training!'

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

"They're comfortable."

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

"Eat me"

"She wishes to range free!"

'I said you're next, Hibblemeyer. . . Hibblemeyer!'

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

God not-too-happy with the Humans sticking a 'Closing DOWN Sale!' sign on planet Earth

The First Fire Stick

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"Yeah, I don't like this part either."

Stairlift around cliff face.

'Well, you got the dog to protect you against criminals. Perhaps now you'll have to hire a criminal to protect you from the dog.'

Thrift: have your arms and legs amputated, use a pillow for a bed!