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Groucho Glasses Eye Test

'You know, I'll be honest...I don't think you two mix very well with one another.'

Department of Knock, Knock Jokes: 'Ring bell for service.'

'Every new neurosurgery intern has to make the joke about the patient having an 'open mind' but then they get over it.'

"And here's another of me in the Building Society"

'Let's be fair about this, Your Honor -- how can the plaintiff be an objective witness if my client shot him?'

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

Yes, Ralph, you blew the interview because there was something between your teeth...your foot!

'There it is, 'Twerk', right next to 'Twerp'.'

'Actually, my Dad never learned to talk - My Mom's a ventriloquist.'

"I find things go around in cycles."

'Would you feel empowered were you to cross the road?'

"What do you mean work from home? I'm a pickpocket."

"Tia Carmen, there are Spanish knock-knock jokes! But you're supposed to say 'toc-toc.'"

"You've got to be kidding me." Hoover Dam

'Well, that's one off my bucket list!'

"I'm sure if we stand around here long enough, something funny will happen."

'His B.O got to me!'

'It's a vest for life.'

Obama riffs.

"It's funny 'cos it's true!"

"Jack! Are you sitting down?...Just curious."

'My hand got crushed by a pile of books.'

"Hey lad, when I was your age I was so much older than you."

"So how many penguins does it take to change the northern lights?"

'Do you drink?'

"It was humiliating. They used a police dog to chase me ??" a wiener dog."

'Math isn't really my long suit, Mrs. Ferguson -- how about I just take a drug test?'

'I wish to complain. It floated.'

How to have long, luscious hair in two easy steps 1) Have short, luscious hair. 2) Don't cut it.

A horse walks into a bar. End of joke.

Cell Block 15. You take the title "corrections officer" too serious. Too seriously!

6 x 3 = 18. 7 x 5 = 35. 9 x 3 = 27. 4 x 3 = 12. You say more people are watching your arithmetic classes? No, I said the audience is multiplying.

Another jaywalking ticket? -- Why do you keep crossing the road anyway?

We're running out of time to get Christmas presents. Not! It's 11 days away. I know. But we've still got tons of gifts to buy. So? I need 26 babysitting jobs to afford them.