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"That was funny like a thousand miles ago."

'I'm wrapping it tightly to keep the ankle from swelling.'

'Are you having a bad day?', 'Yeah -- I started out on the wrong foot.'

'Evolution may be a good idea, but how will we FUND it?'

"Remove your shoes and socks. We ran out of laughing gas"

Freshman Ronnie Klumpf wisely outfitted himself with a wedgie deterrent system.

Actual vs. imagined response.

'You have bullseye rash. take this medicine twice a day and stay away from dart games.'

Egyptian: 'I want you to build a 3-D triangle for the Pharaoh.' Slave says, 'Sounds like some kind of pyramid scheme.'

Lost to antiquity.

"My guess is you've been telling too many sick jokes."

What could have been quite possibly the most hilarious dog joke ever is interrupted by. . . 'So I said, that's no bone, that's my. . . squirrel!'

'Three years in a mental hospital? That's good, because it helps to be a little crazy to work here.'

'I have the result of your cost-benefit analysis. You should have retired four years ago.'

'I'd like to return this shredder.'

"Congratulations! You've told the same joke one thousand times!"

"Why do they do that?"

'Sir, one question... When will we know if we've run-out of invisible ink?'

Family therapy clinic - Joke do jour: What's the difference between an inlaw and an outlaw? An outlaw is always wanted."

Toyota executive does stand-up comedy: 'We got a solution to those sticking gas pedals - a Chevy!'

"I could tell you why I crossed the road, but then I'd have to kill you."

"Stop me if you heard this one."

What's normal?

We don't have poached eggs. How about an elephant tusk?'

'I'm sorry I can't help you - they just pay me to sit here and look pretty.'

"I lost my taste for his homework when it came burned on a CD."

'Ooh... Bless you!'

Joke Shop - Please Knock Knock.

'You're not making it any easier for either one of us.'

The Hangman's Bane: 'Is there a problem?'

'I swerved to avoid a child, then fell out of bed.'

The world is my oyster, Doctor. That's good. I'm allergic to shellfish. That's bad.

Ernie, why are you pressing your navel? Is that what it is? I was hoping it was my age reset button.

Open Mike Night presents the comedy stylings of Rudy Park. Did you hear about the guy who was on his old cellphone, ran into a wall and got covered with bricks? He got blackburied! Clap. Hear about the woman distracted while using an iPhone app, walked into a door and falls down. Wound up iprone. Guy talking on an Android phone trips over a crack in the sidewalk … hoo-boy. Disdroid. Boo. Hiss. Were I not texting right now, I'd be so bored.

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