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"This is a winter you'll be able to tell your grandchildren about …. The winter the fed decided to tinker with interest rates."

'... and remember. The league is cracking down on violence. If you start a fight, you'll be sent right to the penalty box to be neutered.'

'Get up. It's just a crack. No yolk, no foul.'

'For the last time, Murray! Stop crying 'Waiter'!'

Tonight's comedy show will be interpreted for the chronically offended

Corn Plaster

The Art of Comedy

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

"Why do they do that?"

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

'It's a difficult job, he needed a bigger than average 'stress ball'.'

'What did one flea ask the other?' 'Shall we walk or take the dog?'

'I don't like heights...maybe that's why I've had so many low points in my life.'

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

What's normal?

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

"They're comfortable."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

Dickens & Tolstoy Walk into a Bar: " . . . so, to make a short story long . . . "

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

Unemotional Support Animal

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

Thrift: have your arms and legs amputated, use a pillow for a bed!

"Congratulations. It's a chick."

"Yeah, I don't like this part either."

"Eat me"

Stairlift around cliff face.