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"My doctor just told me to lose 30 pounds. Rufus, Teeny...you're fired."

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's always my intention to leave you laughing."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

'What did one flea ask the other?' 'Shall we walk or take the dog?'

'Your shoe's untied.'

'Not that sort of body building program!'

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

"If I can't ask for more wishes, how about more genies?"

"That's all I get? A sonogram? No tracking number?"

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

'Marsha, did you file the Peterson account on the cumulus, stratus, cirrus, or nimbus cloud?'

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

Doggone

"Eat me"

Your lobster was off!

Vegetarian Birds

'I wonder why scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats.'

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'I used to think I was the only one kids hated... I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for you guys.'

'Since laughter is the best medicine, I have a joke, Hee, Hee, Haw,Ha!...that could simply wipe out your Infectious Mononucleosis!'

"I'm gonna be a 'New Yorker' cartoonist. You're not supposed to understand it."

'Listen Sonny, I don't want or NEED to get to the other side!'

'Hah! The joke's on you — I already thought up a second opinion!'

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'