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The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

Do it yourself books.

Bad Interview Technique

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Bull Pen

'I knew there was part of the pattern missing!'

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

'He's still addressing the nation.'

'OK, I got the photo. Let's release the big guy before he goes into shock.'

"I know you're thinking it. Don't say it!"

'Can, you hear me?'

'We had to remove the door knob---it was causing too much hilarity'

Poorly planned Chanukah crafts

"It hasn't been published yet. Bloody idiots wouldn't recognize a great book if it jumped up and bit them on the ass."

'Of course my wife understands me-that's why she's divorcing me!'

A woman knits from a globe.

'To err is human. To really mess up, we've got to do some planning.'

'I want to speak with you about your work habits.' 'You mean work is habit forming?'

'Well if sixty is the new fifty and forty is the new thirty then yes,twenty must be the new ten...'

At the Laff-a-Mint

"Do I really have to add 'Just kidding' after everything I say?"

"Now that the kids and grandkids are grown I can get back to more erotic embroidery."

'The Raffia Mafia.'

'Will you knock it off. Your set wasn't that bad.'

Writer's Block

'I need to unwind after that.'

"It was a sweater when I began."

'Are we painting their Birthday Suits?'