Joke Collecting Pillows

"I'm afraid they'll give you life."

I'm being evicted from both my apartment and my office! The evil of two lessors!

Closing Laugh, Turf Account.

"Ha ha ha...here's to your elf!"

"How does Moses make tea? He brews."

"I found out he's addicted to Viagra."

"I shouldn't worry if I were you. You have a habit of landing on your feet..!"

"The weather forecast predicts local heavy rain..."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

The Rooster Comedian.

Password Error: Snow White and the seven dwarfs not recognised as eight characters.

"Well, that certainly killed my buzz."

Useless add-ons.

Suffering from Cooties?

'Yeah, I agree: It's hard to impress females by looking virile and strong when you're all pink...'

Job Vacancy: Human cannonball. Applicants must of the right calibre

'Amscray,fuzzbrain - no carnivores allowed

Vegetarian Birds

Irritable trowel syndrome.

'Why would anyone order a pint of stoat?'

"They're not Levi Strauss - they're not Levi Tate."

"I know my drinking limits.The problem is that I can never reach them - I simply fall down."

"...and she said 'MOO!'"

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

'Looks like somebody needs to lay off of the authentic angel food cake!'

Told you...Nonsense compulsive disorder.

'Alphabet soup? What's alphabet?'

Shark infested custard!

Psychiatrist - "Doctor, I keep imagining I'm being followed by an impersonator."

Mexican Jumping Balls.

"I must insist on my lawyer present."