Job Security Juggler Pillows

'Actually, the entire department was scheduled to be shut down until Bill, our resident genius, saved all our jobs by figuring out a way to get us designated as a protected wetland!'

"I'm at the point where I find mixed signals reassuring."

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

'To show you I'm not all bad, I won't be letting you go until after 'Bring Your Child To Work Day'.'

"Where would we be without you, Perkins. Well, we intend to find out next month."

'Following your 'barbecue summer' forecast, I'm revising predictions of your contract being reviewed.'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

37 years in the same position.

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

Get Well Soon and Hurry Back to the Office. . . Before Sharks Eat Your Job

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

"How have you managed to keep your job?"

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

'You're resigning? What great timing! I was going to lay you off friday!'

"A wage increase to match inflation."

'I'm fired, am I -- What's that supposed to mean?'

'Of course I'd never fire you, Nelson. You've been working here for such a long time, you've become part of the furmiture!'

'You've been with the company for 20 years Harvey, you make an excellent wage, get 4 weeks paid vacation... I'm going to have to let you go.'

'Times are tough, Smith, but I don't want to lay you off. So, to keep you working, I want you to wash our building. That should keep you busy for the next decade.'

We're so pleased with your twenty years work, we've decided to offer you a two year short term contract.

'And this is Bert, our intern. He's been with the company for 46 years!'

Redundancies

'See, I told you - nobody's job is safe!'

I don't like the looks of this.

"Ruddy AI. Bad enough to be replaced by a computer, never mind a COFFEE MAKER."

'Our retirement program is that you can resign whenever you want to.'

'I am sure you will enjoy working here until your inevitable layoff.'

"Now I don't want to alarm you, but are you familiar with the term 'On the scrapheap'!"

"Grunzman, I really appreciate you. I appreciate you to work somewhere else."

'The best thing about working here is that nobody is irreplaceable.'

'I'm afraid you'll have to find another way of showing how crucial you job is, Johnson!'

'We think a lot alike - and that threatens my uniqueness to this company.'

'But Tom, you AREN'T being marginalized. You're being fired. There's a difference.'