Job Security Champion Pillows

37 years in the same position.

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

Get Well Soon and Hurry Back to the Office. . . Before Sharks Eat Your Job

"How have you managed to keep your job?"

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

'You're resigning? What great timing! I was going to lay you off friday!'

"A wage increase to match inflation."

'Following your 'barbecue summer' forecast, I'm revising predictions of your contract being reviewed.'

'I'm fired, am I -- What's that supposed to mean?'

'Of course I'd never fire you, Nelson. You've been working here for such a long time, you've become part of the furmiture!'

'To show you I'm not all bad, I won't be letting you go until after 'Bring Your Child To Work Day'.'

'You've been with the company for 20 years Harvey, you make an excellent wage, get 4 weeks paid vacation... I'm going to have to let you go.'

'Times are tough, Smith, but I don't want to lay you off. So, to keep you working, I want you to wash our building. That should keep you busy for the next decade.'

We're so pleased with your twenty years work, we've decided to offer you a two year short term contract.

'Our retirement program is that you can resign whenever you want to.'

"Grunzman, I really appreciate you. I appreciate you to work somewhere else."

I don't like the looks of this.

"Ruddy AI. Bad enough to be replaced by a computer, never mind a COFFEE MAKER."

'I'm afraid you'll have to find another way of showing how crucial you job is, Johnson!'

'We think a lot alike - and that threatens my uniqueness to this company.'

Redundancies

"Now I don't want to alarm you, but are you familiar with the term 'On the scrapheap'!"

'But Tom, you AREN'T being marginalized. You're being fired. There's a difference.'

'I discovered just as much work gets done when you're not there.'

"Your job is safe - at least until you're too old to be hired for another job but not so old that you can retire."

'Yes, Mr Gurkinsky is the lawyer who specializes in advocating employees who are endangered of getting fired because of staying away from work for too long... unfortunately, I haven't seen Mr Gurkinsky for about three weeks...'

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

Thanks For Not Firing Me Cards

'My job security hinges on the fact that I work cheaper than someone overseas.'

Career counselor: 'If you want a great job, that won't be exported, get into politics.'