Job Return Pillows

"Oh, stop hyperventilating! You went on vacation to relax, remember?"

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

"Miracles happen, gentlemen, but they don't come cheap."

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

'I'll be late for dinner, dear, I'm up to my neck in paperwork.'

'William, I've decided to go back to work so I can get a little rest during the day.'

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'It's a lateral move, you'll now be getting all of Kramer's work too.'

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'I had a thought. Let's scrap everything and start a new fiscal year right now.'

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

"Oh, Mrs. Horris, he just said his first words..!"

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Ron didn't realise he was so popular."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'Congratulations Smith, you got that promotion. Commiserations Reid, you got that demotion.'

Danger Slow Sand.

"Sorry, Foster, but I'm letting you go. I just downloaded the 'Scapegoat' app."

"I'm learning to live with existence."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

"What's the problem? We told you when you started you'd have to make some sacrifices."

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.