Job Market Juggler Gifts

Help wanted - Better help wanted.

"I've given you a glowing reference, Hempson. And here's the disclaimer to go with it."

"I'll have what's left of my people get in touch with what's left of your people."

'Your resume says you have a B.A. in medieval history, a M.A. in modern art, and a PhD in metaphysical poetry. Have you checked us out on the internet? We design and manufacture detonation switches for drones.'

HR worker wading through CV's.

'See you next week, if I'm still in the job.'

"We are having to go further than ever to find a qualified workers."

"We are looking for some new blood, but with the same experience as the old blood."

"Any references other than your mother?"

Employee Testing

You're looking for someone with gravitas? They used to call me 'lead ass' in the army!

'Find two or three alumni who actually have jobs and profile them as success stories.'

'You're overqualified, and we under pay. It evens out. Welcome aboard, Barnes.'

"You'll notice that I was born in 1968—a very prestigious year."

'It would help if you updated your resume.'

You're lucky you took the buyout. I was downsized.

'Bad news and good news, Tomano... they're abolishing my job and I'm taking yours.'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'The Banks are keen to tap into your expertise.'

'Great resume. You will be the perfect butt for our jokes.'

'I received matching offers.'

'Your position has been outsources...if you wish to continue to work for us...I suggest relocating to Mumbai and taking a 60% pay cut.'

'If we get out of this alive, I'm going to have a darn good look at your resume.'

Resume Dumpers

Overqualified

"How long have you been with us? Not counting tomorrow."

"We don't have a grievance committee, but we have a grieving committee for fired employees."

"There was a major reshuffle. Now I'm out on my ear."

"You should hire me now, before my skills completely deteriorate."

"Ambitions... to make a career change from tourism to sales."

Job hoppers.

Now hiring is replaced by now laying off.

'Technology hasn't saved me any money. I'm now supporting those relatives of mine they replaced.'

'You're overqualified.'

"It's a pretty good resume, but I would have like to see more bells and whistles."