Job Hunting Enthusiast Pillows

"I'm sorry, but I can't hire you. I typed your name in on a search engine, and lazy, selfish, and unmotivated were the categories that came up."

Over enthusiastic headhunter

Make sure your CV stands out for the right reasons, and not the wrong ones.

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'The Dow finally hit 10,000. Guess happy days are here again.'

"Tell us something we don't know."

'I'm willing to pay a hiring bonus to anyone who will hire me.'

"Can you work to deadlines?"

Job Wanted/Technician Wanted

"You have great references, but next time just list them on your resume."

"I may have exaggerated a bit about coming up with a cure for cancer."

'I didn't get the job but they invited me to the company picnic!'

'If you are looking for a job in a growth industry, how about being a Bailiff...?'

'With animal welfare reform, I'm having to apply for a job.'

'We can't find a pond small enough where you'd be a big fish.'

'I'm a monarch, but I still pad my resume.'

'I believe yo're just the man for some other job.'

'So do I take it I didn't get the job?'

'I have this fear of the real world...'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

The Three Wise Queens

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

Good Luck!

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

How are you at decision making?

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'