Job Hunters' Cheerleader Gifts

Unemployed: 'The hardest part is adjusting to your new position in society!'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

'We like to find just the right slot for our people.'

Congratulations on your promotion.

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

'What about the rolls you promised me?'

A hunter hitting his first bird.

"We do price loyalty, but we were also rather hoping for a candidate who could read right and walk on two legs."

"And you can REALLY make 345,000 deliveries in ONE day!"

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'University of Xylongatnyefxodyl - never heard of it!'

"We are looking for temps, but I'm afraid you're too temp for us."

Personnel. What do I call those gaps in my work history? Quality time.

There's a special little jog people do when they've just left a job interview that they think went really well.

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

'So far, so good -- I got a second interview!'

'Do you have any other references besides your mom and Santa Claus?'

'The resume is handwritten because I am not very good with computers' - The LAST thing you should say in ANY job interview.

"That's great that you're on 8 different social media sites, but how are you at bank reconciliations, accounts payable, and working?"

"Get another job? I can't! My breed can only be faithful to one master in a lifetime!"

"Naps. Do you have anything in naps?"

'I love your 'never-say-never' attitude, but we never hired you.'

"This job involves travel? Let me call my parole officer and OK it with him."

'I'm not sure that mentioning your diploma in 'Monkey Business' really helps your resume...'

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

We don't have any vacancies for people to 'pierce the heart of a virtuous maid with the arrow of desire'...have you thought of about working in a call center?

"You get two weeks of vacation, seven sick days and you can play dead twice yearly."

What sort of job are you after?

'It says here on your application that you were fired from your receptionist position for refusing to answer phones...well, thanks for applying! Bye now!'

'The job is yours if you're willing to shave.'

'What's your threshold of pain when it comes to salary and benefits?'