Job Application Humor Pillows

'Scoutmasters aren't usually used as references.'

"What's your occupation?"

"There's another one of those blokes that work from home."

"It's my conscience... It's all achy"

"We're able to use you, Crampton… everything but the 'oink'."

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

'As a consultant, my job is to speak to you as if I knew how your business worked.'

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

Sharings,,,formerly complaints,

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

'Well... I guess it's time to look for a new job...'

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

Will work for question marks.

Not only have we been laid off, but, being small, we can crawl through air ducts with ease.

"The position you've applied for does employ some osmosis."

"Sir, are all these compliments and this reminiscing about my time here leading up to my termination?"

"According to our records, we gave you a raise 15 years ago. And now you've requested another one? Greed is not a quality we like in our employees."

Well the good news is that you'll be leading the team...And the BAD news...you ARE the team!

'Special skills? Well, I've been told I make a mean martini!'

'Your work experience, résumé and references are all perfectly adequate...but nothing seems to stand out.'

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."

"Well, I made you a job offer and you accepted. I guess the only thing left is for me to read you your Miranda rights."

"And this is our head of HR who will be arranging your contract."

"Do you ever feel like you're just here for the paycheck?"

"And what makes you think you have the necessary qualities for working on the bins?"

'Have you worked at a non-profit before?' 'Yes! and believe it or not, they blamed me!'

'You'd be right for us if we decide to lower our standards.'

'I told the interviewer that I walked away from a six-figure job. I just left out the part about the security escort.'

'Do you see yourself as a team player?'