Job Anniversary Gifts

"Any other strengths?"

'So...where do you see yourself in 5 minutes time?'

"This is bad work, Edwards! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad!"

Your position on the career map.

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

"I'm tired of being micromanaged."

"Currently we've got nothing in plundering, would you consider something in human resources?"

'Bob, you're fired as Estimator of Enemy Numbers.'

"Our client likes a very thorough in-depth interview."

"Well, yes, we did have to downsize operations a bit ... "

'You'll learn very quickly. Especially if you don't like being fired.'

You're looking for someone with gravitas? They used to call me 'lead ass' in the army!

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

"I see you've flown around the world in a plane, and settled revolutions in Spain. Around a golf course you're under par. Metro-Goldwyn has asked you to star. Very impressive, I must admit, but we're looking for someone with marketing experience."

'When I was a youngster I was going to be a Rock GOD, but the allure of working with multi-denominational tax efficient offshore bonds proved too strong.'

'I'm applying for a job training program to become a dairy cow instead of a beef one.'

"We offer six weeks paid vacation. . . but you have to spend all of it in your office."

'Of course, this will be just a temporary office for you.'

"I think that one of my best qualities is my imagination, evidence of which you can interpret from my list of qualifications on pages 3, 4, 6 and eight."

"Where do you see this country in five years?"

"Hey! You were that old sourpuss who worked at the motor vehicles department!"

'Right, we've worked out your work skills.'

"So where do you see yourself in 5 years apart from a thousand miles from this f****** s**thole?"

You realize, Harris, if you LIVED here, you'd be home by now.

'Your resume says you are an S.O.B. tell me more about that.'

"Actually, I'm just the night manager here."

"You work very hard 9 to 5. Yep, it's 9 minutes until 5."

I'll be back.

"The good news is we've cancelled your non-compete agreement. The better news is our competitor has hired you!"

'But we can't all be outsourcing consultants?'

"Rise. Genuflecting was only required during internship."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"I see you have extensive wood chuckery experience."

"You got the chip shop gig, then?"

"Basically, your new job here at the Treasury Department implementing the bailout is simple, Grayson, just grab and armful of money and run..."