Jargon Learning Gifts

"Wow! This car has a continental kit, train horn, smoothed-out firewall, polyurethane bushings and a 2400-CFM fan! I have a long way to go!"

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

"My resume is concise, succinct and eloquently worded. I only hope they know what I'm talking about."

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

"There's a conversation to be had around a piece of work I'd like us to do tonight."

'Instead of cubicles, we call them interconnected productivity centres.'

"We owe our success to teamwork. Without it we could never have grasped at so many straws."

'Here's the good news. 'Happy camper' and 'are we having fun yet' have been added to the official list of banned cliches.'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

"We're to stop talking about 'budget cuts'. Apparently it's depressing for staff and clients..."

"I do like you, Peter, but interfacing is a very serious step."

Bee to bee: 'We used buzzwords before they were trendy.'

"I propose the next person who says 'it is what it is,' we beat the living hell out of him."

"I'll start thinking outside the box when the box is empty."

"I liked it better when you used gobbledygook."

"Come to my office. I need to cascade with you offline."

"I hear you've got quite a reputation with the girls around the office."

'I'm very worried that if we fail to introduce rigid protocols to maximise client gratification indices within acceptable costbenefit parameters to ensure enhanced margins...then we'll have missed the whole point of what Christmas is about!!!'

Since I took over the department, I've turned it around 360 degrees.

"So is that a slice of a hook? I never know which is which."

'Do you know how much it cost me to LEARN all this psychobabble?'