Jailbird's Wishful Thinking Gifts

'Personally, I'd prefer to call my locksmith instead of my lawyer.'

"White Collar Prison"

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

"I stole me a pot of gold. That's how I became a Lepre-CON."

"Regards from the kids, grandma, mom and pop, uncle Fred , Aunt Theresa and cousins Harvey, Flo and Niki. They all want to know where you hid the loot."

Exhibition for Prisoners

'My biggest mistake was to make a 'death-bed confession'... then I made a full recovery!'

"How would you feel about inviting my family for Thanksgiving dinner?"

'Smooth move -- Now we're in REAL trouble!'

"I'm the first one in my family to do time."

Actual reader mail. Dear Dr. Sadie, Bless you Doctor. I wrote you back last July and asked you if I could expand my grumpiness beyond getting up in the morning. I took your wonderful advice and now there isn't a neighbor, fellow employee or friend that's not fed up with me. You have given me a new existence and once I get out of this lousy jail I'll let the rest of the world know just how annoying I am. I owe it all to you, Sadie. If you ever need a testimonial, call me. Signed, An ol' stick in

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

'Sure I do bad things, but I do them in moderation.'

''Where do you see yourself in five years'? That's a stupid question! You know darn well I'll be finishing 5-years of a 25-year sentence!'

"Wanna join my hangouts circle?"

"Miss Robins, get me a ladder and a hacksaw, if you will, please."

'Sweetheart, your calls are slowing my early release.'

"The reason I never get any visitors is because all my family and friends are in here!"

'I made good money - until they added colour to the twenty dollar bills.'

"The bad news is Lady Sybil has died in childbirth. On the other hand, Bates is back home and Tom's sticking around to help run the estate."

'It was sort of like a penalty for early withdrawal. The bank hadn't opened yet.'

Love in prison.

'MY doctor says I don't get out enough!'

'It's best if you take it one day at a time.'

'Look on the bright side -- we could still be in the MARKET.'

'Your mother reckons you look like your baby photos now without your dandruff, dear.'

'Forget about it, we all try it when we arrive here, but it's a concrete floor...'

'So what's your recommendation? I suggest a tunnel.'

Con Artist.

"I believe thr guv'nor used to own a boarding house in Blackpool."

'That day was pretty bad! That day was awful! That day right there wasn't too bad. That day was okay. Oh, yeah, that day...it was horrible!...'

'There. Now you have the job security you've always wanted.'

"It's no good you hiding, Whacker. Your release date's today and that's final!"

'Don't tell me-you're the famous Grimaldi acrobatic troupe, right?'

'Yeah...who knew community service would be this harsh?'