Jailbird Buff Pillows

"Regards from the kids, grandma, mom and pop, uncle Fred , Aunt Theresa and cousins Harvey, Flo and Niki. They all want to know where you hid the loot."

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

"White Collar Prison"

". . . yes, sir, folks . . . and furthermore, folks . . . for real quality, folks . . . yes, sir, folks . . ."

On the fifth day, Neville opts for jewelry.

'With proper flossing there's no reason for hens to not have teeth.'

'Who.' 'Who.' 'Who.' 'Or is it whom?'

"Sheesh, I did NOT say we have to redo everything! Just look at some swatches with me."

"How would you feel about inviting my family for Thanksgiving dinner?"

'My biggest mistake was to make a 'death-bed confession'... then I made a full recovery!'

'They got me for trespassing, grand theft cookie and trafficking Xboxes across state lines.'

'Smooth move -- Now we're in REAL trouble!'

Actual reader mail. Dear Dr. Sadie, Bless you Doctor. I wrote you back last July and asked you if I could expand my grumpiness beyond getting up in the morning. I took your wonderful advice and now there isn't a neighbor, fellow employee or friend that's not fed up with me. You have given me a new existence and once I get out of this lousy jail I'll let the rest of the world know just how annoying I am. I owe it all to you, Sadie. If you ever need a testimonial, call me. Signed, An ol' stick in

Timmys Pet Ostrich

"I'm the first one in my family to do time."

Scientists agree, that millions of years ago, the bald eagle probably had a comb over.

'Sure I do bad things, but I do them in moderation.'

"Avoid eye contact. This guy's a real loon."

''Where do you see yourself in five years'? That's a stupid question! You know darn well I'll be finishing 5-years of a 25-year sentence!'

Woodpecker sitting on snowmans nose

'Sweetheart, your calls are slowing my early release.'

Joker in jail

"The reason I never get any visitors is because all my family and friends are in here!"

'Let's see...Eggbound...Eggbound...Here it is!...

"Think about it. Have you ever seen an ugly cardinal—I mean, except at the Vatican?"

'See - you don't have to fly in order to migrate.'

"Miss Robins, get me a ladder and a hacksaw, if you will, please."

'Hey kid, what are you in for?'

Songbird.

Before picking up a date, Doug always tested his breath on a canary that he kept in the car.

Love in prison.

'It was sort of like a penalty for early withdrawal. The bank hadn't opened yet.'

'MY doctor says I don't get out enough!'

'Your mother reckons you look like your baby photos now without your dandruff, dear.'

"The bad news is Lady Sybil has died in childbirth. On the other hand, Bates is back home and Tom's sticking around to help run the estate."