Ivory Enthusiast Gifts

"These keys seem vaguely familiar."

'I don't know what it is but those tusks would make beautiful knife handles.'

Concert Pianist.

You're the puff in my pastry!

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Hey, remember a few days ago, when all this was unacceptable?"

"Just don’t tell the other vultures. I’ll never hear the end of it."

Piano Recital

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

"I'm afraid he left everything to charity... Oh, I see. I take it your name's Charity?"

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

"Eventually the instrument becomes an extension of your body."

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'Do you know how fast you were going?'

"The UWS association for the advancement of A.I."

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

'Good luck, everyone! Maybe this will be the year somebody finishes the race!'

Caution: ironic literal proverb ahead (fork in the road)

'And then, just to humor the guy I said 'I need a hug', little thinking that the big gorilla would do just that.'

"The last one is Uncle Charlie. He was pardoned in 1987."

"Here comes the quote unquote dog whisperer."

Jerry Lordan

'Don't worry it's organic...'

'You mean that I have to carry them to my car?'

Met Office: Wet today and dry tomorrow.

"He's the one family member who doesn't care if I post hundreds of photos of him online."

"Beats me. They put up the sign and went to their panic room."

"You call this ice?"

'The company I ran was non-profit, but that wasn't intentional.'

'Do you have to be so melodramatic?'

Buy Back the Junk We Bought at Your Garage Sale

'I'm Bored'