Ironic Story Enthusiast Gifts

'You say you lost your last three jobs because of oversleeping?'

"Oh, good evening officers. I was just talking about you."

Food Chain Gang

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

Audio Books

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

"It was a lot more satisfying before 'catch and release.'"

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

The Snarky District

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

Emergency Phone.

"Keep your money, sir. I'm on strike!"

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'