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Dead Selfie

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

Carrot in front of the donkey workout.

Winter Weather.

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"That's the trouble with cute kittens - they attract a lot of traffic."

"We should have done more to bring all the things we were trying to get away from."

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

Cheer up – at least #et_tu is trending.

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

"Someone has hacked into our Computer."

'for more obit info, go to...'

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"You spend far too much time on social media, Joe!"

"If either of you know any cause or impediment why you should not be married, INCLUDING YouTube CLIPS, declare it now."

"I don't like the way the new pastor is looking at his flock."

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

'I don't care if he is the most interesting man in the world, his tweets about what he had for breakfast are still boring.'

"I'm terrible with names, but never fail at fingerprint, facial or voice recognition."

'In a bizarre set of circumstances, the book salesman never showed up, but a drug rep is here with samples of Prozac.'

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

The Situation Room Has Gotten Weird

Blues for now.

'Elroy had an unfortunate knack for picking fights with the wrong people'

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

"Once you break through the plastic clamshell and blister packs, there won't be any packaging left!"

"Sorry, but your life moves so slowly that the ball keeps timing out."

"Wouldn't this one look nice shrivelled up in the kitchen?"