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'In a bizarre set of circumstances, the book salesman never showed up, but a drug rep is here with samples of Prozac.'

'What kind of idiots would go hunting in this kind of weather?'

End the Winter Blues

The Dangers of National Safety Week.

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

"I'm terrible with names, but never fail at fingerprint, facial or voice recognition."

"He's Right Behind Me, Isn't He?"

"Wouldn't this one look nice shrivelled up in the kitchen?"

Gigolo Diary

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Send your questions to asksadie@rudypark.com. Dear Ask Sadie, My mom is always nagging me to clean my room. I don't see why I should have to. I like it the way it is. I don't nag at her for having a clean room, because I know that's how she likes it. How can I get her to just let me be me? - Unhappy at Home. Excellent question. The thing is, it's your mother's job to shape you into a respectable person. If you think "being you" includes being dirt

'Waiter. Tonight, we're pulling out all the stops! Get her the steak special and I'll have the pork chops.'

'I don't get it. He had the smallest paws in the whole litter.'

"Do you have any books on perception?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but the first minute I saw you I wished you the worst."

'I'm a genetically modified fish aimed at the environmentalist market.'

"I took your advice."

'He was a lifelong knee-jerk liberal until he got knee replacement surgery.'

'No, but you're getting warmer.'

Scuba Skater

'A most powerful, moving and scary book - botanists will love it!'

'Yes, I'm a temp. Why do you ask?'

LARGE FRONT

I think it's polite to turn off your cell phone on a date. Oh, I agree. That's actually the sound of my ankle monitor.

How come nothing good ever happens to me? Like what? Like getting taken by a foreign government then rescued. I want to get a book contract, to be part of the news cycle, to have him talk about me. Whom? Speak my name, Anderson Cooper! The great one.

'You really shouldn't eat food that are out of season.'

If the British had been the first to see the Grand Canyon.

Maybe we should put away our phones - she's trying to text on a cracker.

'She looks good because it's not natural. It's all plastic.'

Man: 'What the...?!' / 404 ERROR!

'Why do people always assume I download my music illegally?'

'Dear Santa, when I asked for a ship, what I meant was...'

'But, how can we be sure he's not endangered?'

'The tracks are getting fresher. He's close by.'

'and what do you do?'