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'I don't get it. He had the smallest paws in the whole litter.'

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

End the Winter Blues

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

'It always great to get away from it all.'

"I'm terrible with names, but never fail at fingerprint, facial or voice recognition."

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

"I don't like the way the new pastor is looking at his flock."

"He's Right Behind Me, Isn't He?"

'In a bizarre set of circumstances, the book salesman never showed up, but a drug rep is here with samples of Prozac.'

"Let's face it, if we were getting any customers they'd have been here by now."

Gigolo Diary

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

'No! No! No! I don't want to die. . . Then why are you carrying that enormous scythe?'

"Don't take this the wrong way, but the first minute I saw you I wished you the worst."

"I took your advice."

'I'd like a brandy please...'

Doctor delivers sonogram results, which include the baby's sex, his claustrophobia, his taste for trashy women...'

'No, but you're getting warmer.'

A Cold Snap

"It appears to have been done with a key to the city, which narrows the suspects."

The outside of a museum with a banner that reads "Nothing by you".

If the British had been the first to see the Grand Canyon.

Man: 'What the...?!' / 404 ERROR!

Man hanging by chains in dungeon, arrow in chest with message saying: 'Help is at hand.'

U2's Bono named in Paradise papers tax scandal

'Dear Santa, when I asked for a ship, what I meant was...'

Executioner hit in stomach bythe head he has just cut off

' . . . but have you had a nice time?'

'and what do you do?'

'Don't anthropomorphize.'

'Have you started you Christmas Swiping yet?'