Ironic Matchmaker Pillows

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

'You've been matched with a pub in Wigan' (to a man at a dating agency).

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

Asking out a palm reader.

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

"Have you tried carbon dating?"

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"When the dating agency said you were full of beans..."

"This sounds promising. . . dark brown hair, loyal, cuddly and good in bed."

"She says you sound like 'fun'!"

They knew they were made for each other when their eyes met from across the room at the Same Socks Bar,

'Sir, you wanted an affectionate date capable of long term friendship...you said nothing about being allergic to fleas.'

"I don' want another weather forcaster - they're too unpredictable."

'You're a water sign and I'm an earth sign. . .Together we're mud.'

Acme Dating Service

The Tennis Racket in the Stone

"...and if anyone here suspects that the algorithm that put these two together might be flawed, speak now..."

'Top is right! He's a scaffolder working on a tower block'

"AI can now scan dating sites and find your best match."

Match maker

"Nothing works with this guy. Would you like us to shoot the pool guy?"

Sidekick speed matching service.

"I did warn you. Mum can take her time warming to a new boyfriend."

"Of all the finger-painting classes in all the day-care centers in all the world, you had to walk into mine."

"Ironically, I think I'm experiencing job burn out!"

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

"Here's one - 'Few-bricks-short-of-a-load seeks One-our-out-of-the-water.'."

"He'd torch the castle and I'd rescue the damsel."

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

'I don't know what he sees in her - she can't even freeze an embryo.'

'Mandy is playing cupid again!'

"I don't believe you can't get close to anyone, Mr Jones. Get back over your own side."

"If he were just 8 inches taller, 20 years younger,10 times more mature and a million dollars richer, he'd be perfect."