Ironic Matchmaker Pillows

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

'You've been matched with a pub in Wigan' (to a man at a dating agency).

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

Asking out a palm reader.

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

"Have you tried carbon dating?"

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"When the dating agency said you were full of beans..."

"This sounds promising. . . dark brown hair, loyal, cuddly and good in bed."

'Sir, you wanted an affectionate date capable of long term friendship...you said nothing about being allergic to fleas.'

"She says you sound like 'fun'!"

They knew they were made for each other when their eyes met from across the room at the Same Socks Bar,

"I don' want another weather forcaster - they're too unpredictable."

The Tennis Racket in the Stone

Acme Dating Service

'You're a water sign and I'm an earth sign. . .Together we're mud.'

"...and if anyone here suspects that the algorithm that put these two together might be flawed, speak now..."

'Top is right! He's a scaffolder working on a tower block'

"AI can now scan dating sites and find your best match."

Match maker

"Ironically, I think I'm experiencing job burn out!"

"Nothing works with this guy. Would you like us to shoot the pool guy?"

Sidekick speed matching service.

"Of all the finger-painting classes in all the day-care centers in all the world, you had to walk into mine."

"I did warn you. Mum can take her time warming to a new boyfriend."

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

"Here's one - 'Few-bricks-short-of-a-load seeks One-our-out-of-the-water.'."

"He'd torch the castle and I'd rescue the damsel."

"The preacher's wife needs a new hobby."

"I don't believe you can't get close to anyone, Mr Jones. Get back over your own side."

'Okay, this time we'll try for someone with a really good sense of humour.'

'Aunt Val's pretty cool. . . Kind of hot actually. . . for an older lady.'

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"