Ironic Helpline Fan Gifts

'You are through to 24/7 support...our helpline times are between 8am and 7pm.'

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

"Trust me. This is going to make it easier to discuss your childhood."

'Brand X, the wine for those with indiscriminate taste.'

"No way! You're a telemarketer?! This is so great – hold on, I want to get comfortable ... how did you get my number?"

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

During our summer breaks, hungry photocopiers from across the nation migrate to the richer feeding grounds of Pulp & Paper Mill country.

'Extreme acupuncture.'

Noah's lesser known brother.

Hugs and knucklebumps don't mix.

"Hotel UFO! Yes - that's right our dining room opens at 5 and closes at 5:15!"

'Oh, good - you brought The Broom of Honesty, Dignity and Self Respect.'

"Hi! Is this Jesus of Nazarath, son of David? This is Stan. We're family! I found you on Ancestry."

"Okay, hold really still..."

'He certainly knows how to make a customer feel welcome.'

"Hey, I'd recognize your squeaky, high-pitched voice anytime."

A man goes insane from receiving too many ties.

'This is God I Missed you in church last Sunday.'

Bob invents the Zero Gravity Light Bulb.

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Send your questions to asksadie@rudypark.com. Dear Ask Sadie, I have encountered a "close-talker" at work who always stands about five or six inches from my face while talking to me. Unfortunately, this close-talker is my boss. How can I get her to stop doing this without shooting my career in the foot? - Charlotte in Austin. Excellent question. It takes me back. The year was 1938. I spent months tracking down the elusive grizzly bear of the Ozark

Man shaving from foam on a mug of beer.

'How soon can you start?'

"I said, that's my final offer, Carmody. Pressing the pound key for more options will get you nowhere."

Dish and spoon run away from a takeaway.

"All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call me names..."

Saving the leaf.

It suddenly dawned on him, this wasn't the tuesday night bridge meeting. (Man about to play Russian roulette).

'The first ears you made were insufficiently pink and fuzzy, so their destruction in the bathtub was actually for the best!'

'Thank you for contacting The Pearly Gates. Your call may be monitored for training purposes...'

Hospital Sign: Admissions, Outpatient, Drive Thru.

"Okay lets close up. Oooh wait...wishbone!"

Psychiatrist gag

Sleeping on the job.

Helga was keen to take out a patent on her novel design for a new means of child conveyance!

Cat flap 1