Ironic Helpline Fan Gifts

'You are through to 24/7 support...our helpline times are between 8am and 7pm.'

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

"Trust me. This is going to make it easier to discuss your childhood."

'Brand X, the wine for those with indiscriminate taste.'

"No way! You're a telemarketer?! This is so great – hold on, I want to get comfortable ... how did you get my number?"

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

During our summer breaks, hungry photocopiers from across the nation migrate to the richer feeding grounds of Pulp & Paper Mill country.

'Extreme acupuncture.'

Hugs and knucklebumps don't mix.

Noah's lesser known brother.

"Okay, hold really still..."

'Oh, good - you brought The Broom of Honesty, Dignity and Self Respect.'

"Hotel UFO! Yes - that's right our dining room opens at 5 and closes at 5:15!"

"Hey, I'd recognize your squeaky, high-pitched voice anytime."

A man goes insane from receiving too many ties.

'This is God I Missed you in church last Sunday.'

Bob invents the Zero Gravity Light Bulb.

'How soon can you start?'

Man shaving from foam on a mug of beer.

Saving the leaf.

Dish and spoon run away from a takeaway.

"All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call me names..."

'Thank you for contacting The Pearly Gates. Your call may be monitored for training purposes...'

It suddenly dawned on him, this wasn't the tuesday night bridge meeting. (Man about to play Russian roulette).

'The first ears you made were insufficiently pink and fuzzy, so their destruction in the bathtub was actually for the best!'

"I said, that's my final offer, Carmody. Pressing the pound key for more options will get you nowhere."

Hospital Sign: Admissions, Outpatient, Drive Thru.

Psychiatrist gag

"Okay lets close up. Oooh wait...wishbone!"

Helga was keen to take out a patent on her novel design for a new means of child conveyance!

Sleeping on the job.

Cat flap 1

'He can't stand the sight of blood.'