Ironic Event Enthusiast Gifts

'I'm afraid we had to cancel the 'perfect planning' seminar. By the time we got around to booking the hotel was full and speaker we hoped to use died in 1967...'

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

'You must be fast, agile and unflappable! Having fun just got serious ponies....welcome to gymkhana!

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'

"Great news, I've booked you two stag nights, a hen party and fourteen solemn thanksgiving services for members of the theatrical profession"

"Oh, he's so romantic."

"It's our best trending merch."

Nothing puts the flavor in a hot dog like a sports event.

Girl who had a bowl of trifle spilt over her dress at her court presentation party the night before

"I know I was ecstatic to get tickets for Glastonbury - it's just that now I realise I have to go."

'Marcy, Ted - so glad you could come! Let me direct you upstairs to the overflow room.'

Little guy using telescope to see past a big guy blocking his view in the crowd,

"Your party just totally blew us away."

Fascinator

'Hey man that's a gas!'

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

Upbeat conversation/downbeat conversation.

Annual Lump Festival Competition:'I don't know if I can give an award, they're all so fantastic..'

Non-Jewish Events and Jewish Events

The trouble is not with your set -- Bill O'Reilly has finally just gone completely around the bend.

"I couldn't find the giant scissors."

'This is Hargreaves - he's in charge of corporate hospitality.'

Therapists to watch out for: 'How long have you had this unnatural fear of wolves?'

"Just a signature and my alimony check."

"They're all down there sentenced to an an eternity of fornication, licentiousness and intoxication."

'Come in, you're not the first to arrive.'

'I couldn't get the cap off the prescription bottle. What did you die of?'

Olympic Catering: 'A small coffee please.'

'And now a quick glance at tonight's top news stories.... Yikes!'

'There is always the chance that you won't be invited.'

'She's just ring through - held up at the hairdressers.'

Crater Lake Annual Yogurt Guzzle! This year's flavor: Raspberry Marijuana.

A sign in the front window of a bookstore says "Meet the Pope 2 p.m."

"Look, a plastic punk!!"