Investment Strategist Pillows

'I see your investments going up but it's not clear which ones or when.'

'Did you say 'buy-buy' or 'bye-bye'?'

'The new regulations arrived earlier today.'

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

'Remember, an economic boom is usually followed by an economic kaboom,'

"When do we all start frantically buying gold again?"

'This fortune cookie says, 'You will have good luck investing in emerging markets, fortune cookie & Chopstick Trading Company of Singapore.''

'Hello, is that Ace Stockbrokers?'

"Your business plan is very interesting, but I'm a venture capitalist, not a compulsive gambler!"

'There is no evidence use of steroids by fund managers will improve profits.'

"I'd get out of the volatile, capricious, irritating stock market. . . but I might miss out on further gains."

'My investment objective is to keep up with my neighbors, the Joneses, who just won the lottery.'

Common stock, Preferred stock, Private stock.

I'm concerned about my broker. He advised me to keep 60 in stocks, 25 in bonds and 35 in cash.

'Say, aren't you my old financial advisor?'

'Your financial goal is to break even? I can tell you're an experienced investor.'

"I'm keeping my large bonus under the bed because it's the safest place. I only risk other people's money."

"We at U.T.M. Investments specialize in conservative investments. After all, our initials stand for 'Under The Mattress.' "

'When bond yield goes down, can you explain why net asset value goes up?'

"I say we buy. Hedge fund managers are flying low."

Bought Low...Sold High.

'Dear Shareholder: This will be my final report regarding the disbursment of your generous investment . . . '

'Congressman, the country is going to Hades in a handbasket. What are you going to do?'

Economic climate

"Your 401(k) rolled over nicely, sat up briefly, then expired."

'And there you have it. According to our experts, the stock market will either advance, decline, or remain unchanged this year.'

'You've obviously overestimated your risk tolerance.'

'Stop that gloating!'

'Yes, fifty to one is a great return on your money, but the muddy track makes it a risky investment.'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

"To invest or not to invest. That is the question."

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."

Wall Street Down

'Not bad, but it's pretty messy. What we can do is help you save a nice tidy sum.'

They're rich but not in a glamorous way. They're Certificate of Deposit rich.