Investment Irony Appreciator Pillows

'Sorry, I don't do financial advice.'

'This is pretty good to prevent your money from slipping through your fingers!'

"Originally I wanted to be a stockbroker but found I fainted at the sight of money.''

Big business is not evil

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

"It's a bill."

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

'Thank goodness we don't need profits in order to make piles of money.'

"Regarding earnings guidance, as my mother used to say: 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything'. I'll be shutting up now."

"I appreciate how you've protected my privacy, Doc. I'm gonna tell everybody about it on my medical rating website!"

Starving Artist Show has paintings of food.

"And this is where we add the natural goodness."

"It would appear that our 'rainy day investment fund' hasn't even yielded enough to buy us an umbrella each."

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the consultants."

"Well, that's not a good market indicator."

'Rumors...'

Help! Author of the best-selling book, 'How to invest' - but lost it all in the stock market.

"Reinvesting all profits from this gym into a string of donut shops is job security."

"We've cut away all the fat now we have to look at staffing costs!"

'Would it be possible to fire last year's 40,000 employees a second time?'

Antiques, Furniture Stripping, Stripping.

"Alas, poor Yorick!"

'A credit card company has told us not to bother to apply. We're pre-disapproved.'

Voice-activated computer cannot distinguish between buy and sell.

"Repent! Or your return on investment shall wither and there will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth in Accounts Receivable."

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

The world can fry like a chip and end tomorrow as far as I'm concerned! I've made sure all my money is safe.

'How do I know you're legit?'

'Help! As a contrarian I invested in rotary and supersized phones.'

'On Wall Street today, ther was good news if you're a masochist.'

Jeff discovered a new bank account where his money would always be safe.

'Is it okay to put my credit card payment on my credit card?'