Investment Irony Appreciator Pillows

'Sorry, I don't do financial advice.'

'This is pretty good to prevent your money from slipping through your fingers!'

"Originally I wanted to be a stockbroker but found I fainted at the sight of money.''

Big business is not evil

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

"It's a bill."

'Thank goodness we don't need profits in order to make piles of money.'

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

"Regarding earnings guidance, as my mother used to say: 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything'. I'll be shutting up now."

"I appreciate how you've protected my privacy, Doc. I'm gonna tell everybody about it on my medical rating website!"

Starving Artist Show has paintings of food.

"And this is where we add the natural goodness."

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the consultants."

"It would appear that our 'rainy day investment fund' hasn't even yielded enough to buy us an umbrella each."

"Well, that's not a good market indicator."

'Rumors...'

"Reinvesting all profits from this gym into a string of donut shops is job security."

"We've cut away all the fat now we have to look at staffing costs!"

Help! Author of the best-selling book, 'How to invest' - but lost it all in the stock market.

Voice-activated computer cannot distinguish between buy and sell.

The world can fry like a chip and end tomorrow as far as I'm concerned! I've made sure all my money is safe.

Antiques, Furniture Stripping, Stripping.

'A credit card company has told us not to bother to apply. We're pre-disapproved.'

'Would it be possible to fire last year's 40,000 employees a second time?'

"Repent! Or your return on investment shall wither and there will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth in Accounts Receivable."

"Alas, poor Yorick!"

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

'How do I know you're legit?'

'Help! As a contrarian I invested in rotary and supersized phones.'

Jeff discovered a new bank account where his money would always be safe.

'On Wall Street today, ther was good news if you're a masochist.'

"Your 'Luddite Fund' is up 20% this year, but its Yelp reviews are very negative."