Investment Funster Pillows

'Stocks dropped on news that, in today's economy, more buys less...'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

British savings accounts

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'You're close, Spencer, but usually a business plan is a little more involved!'

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

"I didn't say my dog ate my homework. I said Russian bots ate my homework."

First National Bank. Keep life exciting --- Ask about our variable rate, interest-only mortgages.

What happens when the bears are running the market.

'In order to fund your deferred compensation, we won't be paying you any salary.'

'Don't worry about a few pounds up or down. Our main concern is always your bottom line.'

Cafe investors: I'd like your support in acquiring the lemonade stand down the street. By cutting redundant labor, marketing and technology. I place our annual savings at $17 billion. The phone company investors bought it. Can monkey lick your head?

'And finally, a steady decline in earnings has forced us to trim the presentations budget.'

"Well, do you want to buy this sofa or not? You've been on it for three days!"

'It takes great courage of conviction to know you're wrong, yet still proceed forward.'

'I love it when you say - 'I'm going to print money'.'

'Oh, wait. There's a note. It says; Fill her up with euros.'

Wall Street Money Never Sleeps. They've obviously never seen my investment portfolio.

'Well, Eddy may look a bit rough, but he's good at heart - last week, he bought stocks from a company which produces cuddly puppy toys in pink ballet dresses!'

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'Looks like your recovery has been slowed by a diet rich in Greece, followed by a bout of gas problems. Continue to take your QE and call me next quarter.'

10 Days Without an Interest Rate Change

'Stocks fell on the news that whatever can go wrong, usually does go wrong.'

Uncle Sam is Big Brother.

"In light of current market conditions, I've diversified your portfolio to include Lotto tickets and bingo chips."

"This place has a water view if you're looking at the mortgage."

Guess your net worth, only 25 cents.

"Times are perfect for us masochists!..."

'Don't panic, folks! It's red ink, not blood!

"Goodbye cruel world."

'The increased child tax credit is supposed to stimulate the economy...so how about a raise in my allowance?'