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"Which way up do you want it?"

'Dad, I know all about the birds and the bees; explain stock-swaps and derivatives.'

'I'm sorry, Collin, but our Dreyfus Mid-Cap fund completely tanked, so we're going to have to let you go.'

Well my broker says...

'No doubt about it, we've got to stop meeting next door to the Nudist Wine Lovers' Club.'

"Will my bonus look big in this?"

"I've found that when money starts talking, you can't shut 'er up!"

"I'd like to buy what I know: Dog food and chew toy companies, dog bone futures..."

"Where do you see yourself in five years, Mr. Hawkins - still a small investor?"

"Sure, you lost most of your money investing in this stock, but they did give you a participation trophy."

'Now that I have your attention...'

The day the stock market went UP.

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

Profit

'Which 'win' is ours? Because the one on the left looks bigger.'

Businessmen trying to prop up a line-chart with sticks

'Quick! We need a bigger chart in here!'

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

"Is this the best investment strategy you could come up with?"

'But Dad, all the other kids get a roth IRA as part of their allowance package.'

Gerry, there are more accurate ways of balancing the petty cash.

Business of Fingerpointing Line Art

"Fantastic presentation! All of the investors loved it."

'Investment charts can be complicated, son, but that usually means, 'bonuses'.'

'Wavering between being bullish or bearish'

Squirrel putting nuts in a safe box.

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"I think I just solved my cash flow problem."

"We've called this special Stocholders meeting because we want all of our stock back."

"Okay, money doesn't make you happy. So how about commodity futures?"