Interview Tips Fans Pillows

'Have you any other references apart from your mother's?'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

Do you have any other skills?

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

'I'm afraid you've failed the Turing test.'

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

'How many words per minute do you type?'

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

'It's a difficult position to fill. Someone who's smarter than me - and smart enough to pretend not to know it.'

'He will observe your text now...'

"Again, you may exercise your right to remain silent, but it's going to work against you since this is a job interview."

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

'Have you got a resume?'

"Where do you see yourself five lives from now?"

'Are all of these letters of recommendation from your mother?'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'