Interview Star Gifts

"I'm not real good at promoting myself, so I brought my mom."

'This resume is one of the most boastful, deceptive pieces of fraud I've ever seen. You're hired.'

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

I'm a self-made man!

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

Do you have any other skills?

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"Can I multi-task? As a single mom I'm both the bread-winner and bread-baker!"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"Brilliant cover letter, lousy résumé."