Interview Star Gifts

"I'm not real good at promoting myself, so I brought my mom."

'This resume is one of the most boastful, deceptive pieces of fraud I've ever seen. You're hired.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

I'm a self-made man!

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

Do you have any other skills?

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"Can I multi-task? As a single mom I'm both the bread-winner and bread-baker!"

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'Now, remember...let me do the talking.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."