Interview Preparation Guru Pillows

Personnel Dept - I see from your references you're a skilled man.

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"A dozen eggs and a pint of semi-skimmed...Sorry, looks like I left my presentation in my other coat."

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'Now, remember...let me do the talking.'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'Your CV says in your last job you were responsible for...'

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

Your salary as a research assistant is commensurate on your ability of spell, define, and delineate the work 'commensurate.'

'Make up your mind, pal - there are plenty of other fish who'd give their gills for this job.'

"Have a seat with the other candidates for the tech position but be wary of the spit balls."

"How's the job interviews going?" "Not well. Seems they only want the best and the brightest."

"What other skills do you obtain other than being able to answer interview questions?"

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

"While you make the sales presentation, Monica. I'll scope out the room and try to identify this company's Achilles heel!"

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

'Maybe we should have been a bit more specific in the ad...'

"And just how long have you been, 5' 10"?"

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

'Great visual support.'

'Any recommendations besides these report cards saying you work well with others?'

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"