Interview Mockery Fan Gifts

'I suppose you think you're sitting there imagining me in the nude.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

'Cat job interviews.'

'Are all of these letters of recommendation from your mother?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"Or...we could suggest a three-way."

"There goes the person that proved the Peter principal faster than anyone in history."

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

The Calmocracy

'Our next guest is an economist who is the author of the first economic theory that proves that money makes the world go round.'

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

LIBERAL MEDIA POLLS, 'Do you think President Obama is doing a great job, a wonderful job, or an absolutely terrific job?'

'Cannibalism has always repulsed me - until i tasted Aunty Judy's knees'

'Have you any other references apart from your mother's?'

'We're looking for a consensus-building team player, if that's all right with you.'

"Go to sleep, Harold... you've prepared enough for the third years!"

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

'You know, I was buying this resume until I got to the part about you serving on your town's Ouija Board.'

'Okay, the print media convicted you...but trust me, the video media will overturn the verdict.'

Woman on a Pedestal. . . Who Married the Mothers Boy.

'Uh oh. Cougar alert.'

'I've always been a great fan of yours. I wrote all your books!'

"I don't see your Zodiac sign anywhere on your resume."

"Aside from the foot, do you think my parking's getting better?"

Other than the water cooler and the soda machine, can you operate other office equipment?

"We're looking for a tough, aggressive guard dog. Have you been neutered? No, wait ??" I'm not allowed to ask that."

"I'd remind you not to fly too close to the sun, but no one's ever accused you of aiming too high, have they?"

"I told the interviewer I was involved in organized crime, because I thought he'd be impressed that I was organized."

'Candor is a plus.'

'Can you type?'...'Do you mean literally?'

'Mrs Smith, get me a dictionary for my TV interview and have the words yes and no removed!'

'We're really looking for an applicant who's got more snip, snail and puppy dog tail.'

"I'm looking for a position with limited accountability."

"Bloody left-wing cartoonists! They keep drawing me in a one-sided way, but I'm a multifaced personality!"